Crysti Couture

I arrived in Clovis from Tohatchi, NM last night at 10 pm. When I walked into Randy’s mother’s house, it was completely surreal and almost a lucid experience for me. Out of the previous 24 hours, I had spent 12 hours driving from Clovis, NM to the Navajo Reservation and back, 3 hours sleeping, 5 hours crying and the rest of the time remembering Randy James Arthur and our three year relationship.

Yesterday I left for Tohatchi, NM right after I got out of work. When I arrived, I was met by Pam, Randy’s niece, at a nearby gasoline station, since navigating the reservation itself can be really difficult.

That convenience store brought back a lot of memories; I remember Randy and I hitch hiking when we were younger and knowing that once we reached the Mustang gasoline station, we were close to home.

I met Randy’s biological mother and biological siblings for the first time. Even though I was close to Randy’s ‘Mom’, he was adopted within the family and he considers his adoptive mother his true Mom…after all he was with her since being an infant.

I was surprised at the amount of people that remembered me. It was like coming home; I had spent so much time on the Navajo reservation with him. The house, Randy’s family and the land…it would have been great to come back under different circumstances.

There was only one thing missing: Randy. I had wished that we could have had more adventures and love like we did in the past. This was our last adventure.

Pam and I talked about Randy till 3 in the morning. After we were too weary to talk anymore, we fell asleep. In the morning, we got ready to leave for the funeral at 10 am. My heart was palpitating, I was about to see the love of my life, except this time, he lifeless and cold. I would never be able to hold him again or kiss his lips.

We arrived at the church and I saw the Rollie Mortuary SUV parked in front. Inside that SUV my Randy’s body laid motionless, in a deep sleep. We stood outside, waiting for the pall bearers to bring his casket into the church. I signed into the guestbook…if Randy could have read it; he would have swelled with pride about all the people who came to pay their last respects.

Throughout the whole funeral, Pam was bawling. Although Randy was her Uncle, he was also her best friend. They were about the same age, so they grew up together too. I couldn’t imagine how deep her pain was. Crying was only natural. I couldn’t keep the hot tears from streaming down my face. I consoled Pam and Randy’s brothers consoled me.

After the funeral, Pam rode with me in the car. We listened to Randy’s favorite songs: “Thug Mentality” by Bone Thugs and Harmony and to “Smile” by Tupac. I remembered how we used to tag our names with spray paint under the Tohatchi, NM bridges while we were making our way to US HWY 70.

We got into so much trouble and had so much fun…it’s as if we were a modern day Bonnie and Clyde.

After our ride, Pam and I went to the burial…Randy’s brothers buried him and everyone got a chance to cover him with Earth. He was buried next to his father, who died earlier this year. Pam and I left early…it was too much to bear.

After the burial, we went to the reception at the Tohatchi Chapter House. There was plenty of food, and several people had good words to say about Randy. The reception was a nice way to have people know how they felt about his death and his life. I was even more surprised when Randy’s sisters made several very nice pamphlets containing Randy’s poems throughout the years from Poetry.com. I think that perhaps this would be one way that he would want to be remembered…by his good works. Looking at the poems brought so many memories, plenty of them were about me, or we had written together.

The glimmer of a fairy…

She is gone,
Her name spoke to me love,
In the morning I awake,
Wanting to belive,
She will be in my arms,
To love another day,
knowing I will never see them eyes,
Or hold her hand,
Which guided me to a path,
Where birds sing and mountains smile,
As I live to tell a tale,
Of a beautful fairy,
known as lucky C…

Randy James Arthur

We went back to the house and I said my goodbyes to Judy, his adoptive mother, Cathy, his sister and biological cousin and Pam, who is Cathy’s daughter. I asked Judy if she still had anything that Randy had kept. She pulled out a very large black briefcase…Randy had still kept ALL the letters, drawings and poems we wrote to each other. I was immediately stricken with grief.

If Only If Only…

this here scroll made of rose petals,
is made of my desires,
if only you knew my wishes of me and you,
my heart aches,
my mind wanders to the fars of my fantasy of pleasing you,
this lust I have for you I wish so it to be love,
I feel as if im dying my heart is crying to be held,
all this longing I been holding I realize was for you,
now I am awaiting my touch your smile,
all I can say is wanna fall into an eternal trance of love,
let the moment come,
as I can only wish for life with you.

Randy James Arthur

With Thanksgiving upon us, I implore ALL of you to think about the decisions you make in your life. Give thanks for the blessings in your life, and the experiences that make you who you are. If you take these things for granted and you haven’t really begun to appreciate life, then take note that life can end in one second and you can never get it back.

Do you want to feel disappointed about your life? Do you want to feel like you could have done more? This year, I will think about Randy, and know that he is in a better place.